One of the things that our daughter finds really difficult is forming friendships. As she’s got older her delays in social development are all the more evident, especially when she is compared to her peers. Today I spoke with the school play therapist about some of my concerns. “Well…” she responded. “It’s tricky as the other children are noticing that Taylin is different.” She is different. There it is. The crux of the matter. My heart broke a little bit. It often does when I realise the challenges she has to face, how far she is from the world we imagined for her.
Though we have embraced her the way she is and are coming to learn that her differences are also the very things that make her so special (she was removed this week from class for refusing to stop dancing in class- I’m not going to lie, a small smile might have appeared when I was told about this!), others still see differences as something to be wary of, to avoid. We are starting to see this with her peers. There are the parties she isn’t invited to, or worse the ones she is invited to where she hasn’t been able to cope. I’ll never forget her pushing and shoving other children gathered to sing Happy Birthday to the child whose party it was. She was desperately overloaded, desperate for space but also desperate to be part of the event. The birthday girl turned around and shrilled at our girl, “If you keep shouting you’ll have to leave my party.” We pulled her away and she wailed, kicking and screaming. It doesn’t matter that five minutes before children were teasing her with balloons, running from her laughing or that the music was painfully loud for a child’s party; at this moment it is our child making a scene. Our child is at fault. You can apologise, try to explain but it doesn’t change the fact that the next time that family is making their birthday plans the likelihood of our child receiving an invitation has significantly declined.
There are no longer play dates, and definitely no sleepovers. She tells us of her ‘very best friends’ and in the next sentence will explain all about their games, where the aim is for everyone to run away from her and for her to be alone. She genuinely accepts that it’s a game. That’s what she’s been told and so that must be the truth. Then there was the girl who was her ‘new best friend’. Taylin was upset that she was soon to be leaving the school. On further questioning, Taylin exclaimed that, “I don’t know why she is leaving but she said that if I don’t stop following her she will have to leave the school.” Taylin is quite happy in her blissful ignorance. We’ve tried to explain that maybe these children aren’t her friends, maybe they don’t really want to play with her. But she doesn’t understand. Thankfully, at the moment, she is happy in her bubble. Looking at the world through her eyes, everyone is a friend. And luckily she has her younger brother, two years her junior, they could almost be twins for how well matched they are in terms of social development. They seek each other out at play times at school, looking out for each other. Which makes a massive change from when they are busy trying to murder each other at home!
Kids can be so unkind. The wonderful positive of her blissful ignorance is that she doesn’t always see that children are cruel to her. I’ve noticed. The children who, when Taylin approaches, walk away. The ones who point at her and laugh, mock her. I’ve been within earshot when two children were plotting to ‘get her at playtime.’ I’ve been filled with absolute rage and utter despair. I’ve wanted to pull her out, take her home and wrap her in cotton wool. Keep her safe from children who don’t deserve the very unique child that she is to be in their world. Of course, I’ve spoken to the teacher, multiple times. I’ve been assured that Taylin is kept safe, that the school haven’t noticed anything untoward. But then there’s this horrible niggling feeling that maybe she isn’t in the best possible place. That I should trust my Mother’s instincts. And then there’s the realisation that if these children can be so brazenly cruel to her, in my presence, with their own parents standing nearby, then what on Earth are they like away from the prying eyes. I’ve spoken to the school about my concerns, that I am considering removing her and maybe trying a different school and been met with the reality that wherever she goes she might experience the same from others. There will always be a class bully and the ignorance in others sadly, will always exist.
I’ve also been told that Taylin does wind the other children up, she doesn’t recognise when she is annoying others… Well, that’s not actually her fault and does not excuse other’s behaviour. If a child is ‘different’ then it’s the school’s, the parent’s and even society’s (damn it) responsibility to teach awareness and acceptance, kindness and understanding. And I’m afraid that until they do, our daughter will continue to be ostracised.
What is there to do? I keep fighting. Addressing the school with my concerns, speaking to the other parents when appropriate. I talk Taylin through her day, help her to reflect and remind her that she must speak up when others are cruel and I try my best to give her the tools to cope. And I continue to be thankful for that beautiful, blissful ignorance. For now shielding her from the harsher aspects of the World around her.
Winter, school and children inevitably means that at some point, if you are a parent, you are going to get sick. Taylin was struck first, vomiting followed by fever and then an awful cold and bad chest. Theo quickly followed just as I was starting to feel under the weather followed promptly by Daddy. This was a week and a half ago. Being ill at the same time as your children sucks; when all you want to do is curl up in a ball but you are up and down cleaning sheets, refilling water bottles, doing little errands to pick up medicine and still keep on top of work (the joys of being self employed) your body has little time to recuperate. The children quickly recovered but with reports due for work there was no time for more time off for me. Back to school they went and back to the routine of juggling school runs, clubs and work.
Not So Typical Family 